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Heart Chronicles – Whew… I’m back

Where the fuck do I begin? It’s been an interesting few months since I was last spilling my guts here. I’ve had conversations about my thoughts, feelings, emotions and how I express them. I’ve discussed whether or not this forum is best used for that outlet. I’ve talked about how I should be writing and expressing myself. Listening is a skill and understanding is a requirement. I’ve been navigating managing feelings for someone while also being a friend without those feelings interrupting the bond that’s been and continuing to be built. I’m navigating building a career with another company and experiencing the overt bias and privilege of the White women and men in the company. Understanding that being one of the intelligent, competent and qualified black men isn’t enough to overcome the bias alone. Having to constantly show out and display your qualifications skills even on bad days is tiresome, but necessary. I’ve been navigating the changing dynamics of my life. Friendships challenged and tested. Family relationships challenged and lost. Life is always challenging me. To grow, to evolve, to stand on business, to pour into others, and to pour into myself.

It’s crazy to think that it’s almost been a year since you came into my life. What was originally just a fun link has turned into what appears to be a life-long bond. Navigating this dynamic has been one of the easier and also most challenging experiences of my life. When you like someone but you know they don’t want the same thing you do right now. How do you balance all of that. Being around, wanting to do more and be more involved, but understanding that they don’t want the same thing from you. Being there to support and lend guidance and help when asked for. Also, to step back and provide the space for both of you to explore the other people in y’all life that balance out whatever this is. The word is friendship, right. Always given that label but not really moving solely in friendship spaces. Understanding though, that at any time that could change and you have to accept that. The difficulty isn’t in accepting change, it’s in accepting that the person who will likely benefit from the growth and maturation that you’re part of shaping will not be you, most likely. Seeing and knowing that some of the work you’re putting in is 100 percent helping you, but it’s to the benefit of the next man. That’s the part where I struggle the most. Why? Because I see you as more than just the friend with benefits label that’s been given to me.

Sometimes when you cross generations you have to understand that life’s meeting points don’t always align with your timeline. It can be a case of right person, wrong time. Maybe it’s wrong time and wrong person. Maybe it’s wrong person, right time. Any of these scenarios can be the reason that someone who fits you and you fit them, ultimately becomes just a friend instead of exploring the love and romance of your relationship. When the time was given, you see there’s so much chemistry to explore. There’s a natural vibe that comes off. It’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of explanation. Learning how each other functions and thinks. Taking a trip together, so soon after meeting each other was crazy, but it was enjoyable. I don’t know that things will ever reach the pinnacle that they could. I’ve heard from people linked to me and you that they miss seeing us together. I think this is a case where anybody who sees us together, realizes that we have the magic to make the cross generational relationship work. Shit, we know that we have the magic. I remember the conversation we had around Christmas. That night we acknowledged to each other we can do this, if we want to. I also remember the conversation from Valentine’s Day when you told me that’s not what you want right now. You didn’t want a boyfriend, and I knew then that this was a friendship I had to accept. At least for right now. Then came the blow up that night in March. When you showed ya ass and I had to respond accordingly. These moments also reminded me of some of the feelings that I have for you.

Months later and it feels like things are steady but unsteady at the same time. No more conversations had about dating and being together. No more time spent together outside of taking to or from work. We don’t go on dates or try to spend time together either. And it’s not just a you thing it’s me too. For months I tried to plan dates for us on your off time, but you never wanted to go. I accepted that and took that to mean you were through with the ‘date night’ phase of us. Because any other time when we talked about and planned something, we made the date and we went. Living through a situationship is harder than it appears. You function daily like you enjoy it. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you enjoy the freedom of it, right. Not answering to anyone and not having to fully consider the other person when you do whatever that you’re doing. The truth is, you’re always still considering the other person. Even if you’re going to have sex with anyone else, you need to consider their sex health. To make sure that you’re not giving anything to each other. Still, questions are asked about past sex links. Why? Because even though you’re not a couple, you still have the feelings of a couple. You still want to know, generally and specifically sometimes, what the other is doing and when they’re doing it. You don’t want to feel like you’re missing out because they’re being more active than you are. Truth is, I really want it all with you. I want you to feel me and I want to feel you. I’ve seen you naked many times. I love your body. You have a nice, long, fat dick. Then you got a juicy, pretty ass. You have the combination that I love. You have the personality and demeanor to match. The whole package of what I want in a man I see with you. Yet, I can’t have you.

I also begin to look forward at the career I’m building and the decisions I’m making about what comes next. I’m watching myself on a daily basis, gain the knowledge and comfort to be just as dynamic in this phase of my career as I was in previous iterations. I’m accomplishing the goals that are required for growth, not just within this company but within this business sector. I see the qualities becoming more solidified. I see the mentorship and peer support adding to and heightening my career ladder. Knowing that I’m providing this type of quality support to my peers but I’m not being currently considered for a Senior TAM position is diabolical. Add to that one of the people being considered doesn’t do or have half the skill set, in my opinion that I do. Yes, she chose clients that are extremely negligent in their work, which requires the AM to do more to fix their support issues. That’s not my fault or problem. I handle all the cases I’m given, and I learn about the solutions that need to be applied. I feel like my TL is straddling a fence that isn’t going to hold up much longer. I notice his bias towards the two white girls who are a tandem at work to achieve their goals together. I hear the whispers that they’re only being considered for Senior and not me. How the fuck can you justify that? How are you sitting in my face telling me that there’s nothing for me right now, but you’ve sent your recommendation to the director for the two white women. One is deserved from a work standpoint. She does the work and is willing to take on all types of cases. She doesn’t do the peer support and teaching that you claim you require. Neither of them do. But, I do.

I completed my qualified presenter presentation, as required and passed. You claim you want me to be more vocal to the team, but why should I be. I provide my insights when I have them. Otherwise, I do the job assigned and to the best of my abilities. You want to give credit to someone who takes on tasks that are remedial and unnecessary. You want to give credit to someone who always reaches out for help with everything they do. Not researching to learn but trying to get someone else to do it. That’s your definition of a senior? I want to leave this business unit. I don’t like it and I don’t like the direction it’s taken. Time to find that next role, that fits and pays me according to my worth. Being the black nigga with skill isn’t the payoff in this company. You have to do 10 times the work to get the equal acclaim as the others. When you have TL’s for other products bragging about your work quality, but your TL and leadership are not sufficiently recognizing the talent is a problem. You can’t go in blowing steam because then you look like the angry black man with a vendetta. We know that doesn’t end well for the nigga. You’re always going to be perceived as a threat or some other type of negative stereotype that ends with you on the wrong end of the ledger. You know the narratives that will already play. Too talkative, too distracted, too accessible. Needs to grow more. When if you look at tall the metrics, I hit and exceed them all. Case closures, talking to clients, improving my quality interactions with clients, delivering quality assistance to my peers. What more do you want from me? I see no reason I should keep giving if you keep taking. You don’t respect my work with my money. You give these weak ass raises and provide some bullshit excuse and think that folks are supposed to accept it.

I’m considering moving again. I believe that it’s time to work on and make happen the relocation that I’ve been thinkin about for a few years. I made the first attempt 2 years ago and missed my timing by a month. This time, I don’t think I’m going to miss. I believe things are lining up for me to make this transition again. You know, part of me is nervous, like always… because it’s a new journey to a somewhat familiar place. It’s starting a new chapter, this time by myself. Most times I feel like that’s the best way for me to experience something new. Take the journey by myself and find my support once I get there. I’ve tried to go places where I already have someone and build out from there. It’s led to issues every time. I never understand why I can’t take my lover with me and move somewhere new and we succeed. Moved to Ohio, that became a shit show built on insecurity. My ex wasn’t confident enough or comfortable enough in his skin to handle me. It showed up in our relationship, and I had to walk away. Moved to Columbus and that was built on lies. My ex wanted to be a hoe and have a live in nigga. That doesn’t work for me. Moved to Orlando and that became a shit show. My ex was crazy, violent, overly aggressive, a liar, a cheater and a whore. He wanted an open relationship, and I’m just not built for that. Until I get the right two people to show me, we can have a three-way relationship, it’s a no. And I don’t want a relationship where we openly fucking random other niggas. What’s the point of being with you, if I’m going to keep fucking anybody else I want?

Family and Friends can be the biggest bullshit relationships that exist. No matter how much you try to cultivate them, the fact is it takes both people to make a relationship successful. Friends tend to have a what can I benefit from you mentality when assessing their friendships. When you find people who don’t operate from that space you keep those people. Next thing you worry about is them being the type of friend to take advantage of the friend dynamic. Always with their hands out asking for or needing something from you. Never having the ability or wanting to reciprocate to you the love and appreciation you give to them. Be clear, for relationships to work, no matter friends, lovers, family or whatever there must be a balance. Both people must feel that the pouring that happens is into each other. Not just one person benefitting all the time at the expense of the other. When that does happen, you have to recalibrate and make people think twice about how they interact with you. When someone walks away from you, allow that to be the action that you need to see to understand where you stand in their life. If they attempt to comeback require accountability and consistency, if you choose to open that door again. It’s perfectly fine for you to say fuck you when they attempt to comeback if you don’t feel the energy that you need. You’re not required to hold a space open for anyone in your life. Always be willing to stand for you! The boundaries you set you must consistently enforce. It’s hard to do and sometimes unpopular but required. Facts being facts, I miss some of the relationships I had with family and friends. But I took time to sit back and watch how shit went. It’s not because of me that we’re not close or that we fell off or that we fell out. I opened myself to you. I communicated with you. I reached out to you. I provided support to you. When it was time for those things to be done in return, you were missing. You were inconsistent. You always had an excuse. So, I allowed myself to excuse you from my life. Man, this life shit, this adult shit is so fuckin ghetto.

It’s alot more for me to say and I promise I’m coming back to delve deeper into these topics and so many other things. For now, I gotta go get this day moving forward. More extending and pouring out. Will see who pours into me. Thank you to those who already started my morning with a smile by reaching out. Texts and calls. Keep loving on yourself. It might hurt when you not being loved on by the people you thought would do it most, but it feels good when you can shower yourself with the love you need. Have a phenomenal day!

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Heart Chronicles – Be Accountable

No matter what the situation is, taking accountability is the difference, most times, between successful nd problematic resolution to issues or situations. A lack of accountability usually means time spent in unnecessary turmoil

Let me take full accountability for the current dynamic as it exists. Many moving parts and pieces. Openness and honesty always needed nd required. Balance must be struck nd required to keep the energy centered nd appropriate.

For a while, I maintained that balance successfully. Recently, Ive failed to maintain the necessary balance for various reasons. And it shows nd continues to show further.  So the majority of the shift is because of me. Even with accountability being taken, spoken nd unspoken undercurrent exists that are now sabotaging a lot of what’s been built. The underlying tensions are not able to be covered up nd we feel the results.

Apply this to everyone and u find out quickly if someone truly fucks wit u or not.. the way situations are handled nd how they approach u will always be the tell.

If you dont kno when to be accountable for ur actions and/or ur shortcomings, it dilutes ur position. U shouldn’t need to be primed or motivated to accept accountability. It’s a space u should consistently live in.

H¹

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Heart Chronciles – Love Wins

Throughout life, one thing is always true, when you love freely, passionately, honestly, nd openly, that love will always win.

Understand in saying this, I’m not saying that it will be appreciated or reciprocated necessarily the same way you give it. What it will do is allow the environment you create to be a space for love and peace.

When you create enough pure, intentional love it has the ability to change the dynamics around you and others. Imagine if someone you know or love gets to experience that kinda love. It shapes their mind and emotions.  It provides tangible memory recall they can use when building out healthy, loving relationships.

Sometimes, I feel like the hurt and pain we feel takes away our ability to love openly, passionately, honestly, and intentionally. We fear a repeat of the past. We allow those demons and traumas to become staples of our lives. We spend time in this duality where we wanna love and be loved. But, because someone mistreated, abused, or took advantage of the passionate, pure love given it makes us reluctant to share that with someone else.

We don’t forget the power of that kinda love, we protect ourselves from the people who don’t know or don’t want to return that love to us. Instead we find some way to love with caution. To feel with hesitation. To care with tepidness. To continue to intentionally choose to love without fear or hesitation takes courage and a desire to be open and transparent.

It makes civilization better. It makes us better. We are allowed to express and exude all the emotions needed. It gives a better sense of your whole self. Imagine being in-love with someone who returns the love back with the same energy. The energy created is magnificent. The vibes are amazing.  It creates a companionship that transcends all.

Tell me something.. have yall ever experienced that kinda love?

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Heart Chronicles – My Riders

I’ve often said at times in life, you find out who your riders really are. Moments in history where people show you who they are. Understanding the challenges thrown at you by life, they lend their energy, time, and resources to ensure that you can sufficiently meet and defeat the challenges facing you.

Times where it’s required for you to have your village show up for you. Supporting you to know they care. They see you and can, to some degree, feel your pain. Understanding to varying degrees the level of angst, relief, sadness, disappointment, pride, and love you feel in these situations. They marvel at you. The maturity, clarity, and calm that you possess and display.

Some questioning why you’re here to begin with. He didn’t like you at all. He loved you without question. They don’t understand why you’re here to acknowledge him when he failed to acknowledge you. What I found out was that sometimes, a former enemy can become an ally. The same one questioning you the most. The one with the most disappointment for who you are, realized, and/or understood the position you took and now take. Loving you for you. Enjoying and delighting in conversation.

Others wondering if you came for money and not the genuine love and support for your family. Bringing drama and dirt to the table that isn’t needed. Swatting that with calm and poise calmed all. Supported by a sister who knows your heart. Never doubting your respect and loyalty to your life principles. Familiar with your thoughts and feelings about the situation. Proud of your strength and resilience. Bouyed by your firmness and compassion.

The support of a friend, 34 years in the making. Oh, to be so fortunate and blessed to have someone in my life who loves me as a human so much to use his time to show up for me. No questions asked. My heart felt so much pride and joy. Words can’t fully encapsulate the level of respect and love that grew from me to him. I pray that you find that, that level of love. My best friend.

And my family… my blood family, cousins I love and fuck with bro. Aunts that ride with me so hard. Sisters who love me and cherish me. Brothers who love me and respect me. Never perfect, always striving to learn more to be more. My chosen family checking in amdist their hustling family life. Making sure I feel their love always. My sons taking their time to talk with me. Never leaving me alone if I reach out. My chocolate 🧸 bestie, lmao. Showing his love every day. Fussing with me and all. Lol. My lil baby callin in to show me love and keep me updated on his life. Giving me the support, care, and love we always promised to show, regardless of what’s happening.

My Atlanta family, bro. I love them so much. In the fuckery of life, they still manage to show up and speak. Talking with me, seeing about me. Never forcefully, always willingly. I’m so thankful for these people. Never needing to see about me. Always desiring to support me and keep me balanced. Distracting away from the shit being handled here. Giving me their time to comfort mines. This shit is challenging, bro.

For all those who just talked, I appreciate your words. That is more than what is required of you. Thank you for your support and love. For the friends who wish more could be done, I’m truly thankful for your existence. I wouldn’t be able to continue with vigor without you. The small things matter most.

For my MHO family. Bro, you a real one fr. You randomly show up and always by choice. Never ever by coercion. I will and am always eternally grateful for your care and concern, bro. May you be forever blessed. Just know what you know. You haven’t always been thinking. It’s understandable because you simply are functioning at times. Managing so much that you lose sight of all routine. To know someone understands and offers support.

To those who choose to be voluntarily absent. May you be given the joy of life that you seek. For me, this is where our street ends. Take care in life. Know that you will not be missed. I appreciate all the contributions you made to my life. Now, it’s time to go separate ways. Life’s challenges will always reveal who’s for you and who’s against you. Love yourself, forgive yourself, and build forward.

I’m so thankful for my riders, for my village. When times are tough, who shows up? Thank you to everyone. Special you are, and I will always be grateful for your love.

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Heart Chronicles – Good bye

It began for you, August 3, 1948, and the sunset for you, December 25, 2024. There comes a time when we all must take our final breath and are laid for all to view. As I prepare for your final goodbye, I have had to help plan services for you when you never wanted a relationship with your openly gay son since I came out. I am reminded that alone in the world we came and alone in the world, we die.

Since I came back to my hometown, everything has felt forced and fake. People calling who don’t call. Always offering to be here to talk. Talk about what? It’s never been a secret that me and my father didn’t have a relationship at all. Maybe that’s why there’s so much silence. Very little genuine outreach. Whatever it is, I’ve felt it from most since news broke and I arrived here.

If you understand me at my core, you know that loving you doesn’t mean I necessarily like you or carry a healthy respect for you. I love my father. In life and death, I will always love him. Simply because he helped create me. There is a biological respect there that I will always honor. Never trying to mistake it for a genuine relationship. I don’t have a void to be filled from your passing. True enough, there is someone missing. I lost part of my existence. That’s a different kinda introspection.

When my grams died, that was a void. And to this day, it has yet to be filled. With you, after I came out, your void created when you walked away was filled by the women in my life. Not that I wasn’t open to a male figure stepping into that roll, but, real shit nobody ever stepped up. Not my uncles, cousins, or brothers. All the male shit I learned myself. Through trial and error. I patterned myself after the shit U neglected to do.

My momma, your ex-wife, is quick to remind me of the traits you have that were passed to me. I always accepted that I am a mix of my parents. I’m sure others would say I have some of you in me, naturally. What’s missed is how much I’m truly nothing like you. Why would you wanna create kids and never actively take a role in raising them and preparing them for the world. Leaving your responsibilities to our mommas and other family or friends to fill. I’m more disappointed that you couldn’t be man enough to address me. I accepted that years ago, too.

This journey to the end hasn’t been usual, normal or fun. Many days filled with questions and not getting any answers. Too many times, you shut down and went to my aunts with questions about how to handle me. How pathetic is that. My grams stayed in yo ass about me, and it never moved you. You lost your oldest son and instead of embracing me when you saw me at his service, paying my respect, you looked me dead center in the face, and ignored me like a common nigga in the street. But the woman behind me, whom you didn’t know, you greeted her with a smile and a polite handshake, thanking her for coming.

I remember the days as a child when you reluctantly came out to play basketball or football with me and my friends. Even thou you loved both sports. Anyone with a brain could see you weren’t interested. I remember being like 14 or 15, you showed me sum stanky ass magazines with naked women. Then, explained to me some of your nasty ass sex stories. I never gave a fuck and I didn’t wanna know. I know you felt it. I never faked happiness or excitement. I saw yours, thou. You thought you was indoctrinating me to your ways. Wrong nigga.

You were etching in my head shit I never wanted to do or how I wanted to be. Yea, I took some of them traits. My last three relationships have been fucked up in the sense that I didn’t hold all the value to them that they deserved. Rest assured, though, I truly respected and loved my ex’s. Always present and actively engaged in the relationship.

Through all of this, my solumn prayer is when you were alone in your final hours and minutes of life, you were at peace. I pray you found the forgiveness you needed and that now your spirit and soul are at peace. James L Reynolds Sr, I love you. For everything you were and all the shit you weren’t. I don’t exist without you, and that’s a respect that lives eternally.

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Life Chronicles – The Mirror

I always pride myself on challenging myself to be the most honest and authentic version of me every day. I never say that I’m going to be the nicest or most respectful or understanding. Some days I’m not gonna be any of those things, some days I’ll be all of those things, and other days some combination of them. I always work to make sure I check myself daily. I constantly have talks about who I am, what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and who I’m doing it for. The struggle for me, sometimes, is trying to figure out the why, and the who. I get triggered when I think about the saying you are what you attract. I don’t know that I fully believe that statement. And then other times I believe it’s deftly accurate. Could that be the reason that I tend to have the types of men in my life that I do? Then I start thinking about the type of men in my life and I’m confused again. Because the men of my life are varied in style, personality, looks, and approach to life. There are lazy ass niggas who come around, trifling ass niggas who come around, college-educated niggas who come around, street niggas who come around, college-age niggas who come around, sports niggas who come around, gaming niggas who come around, chill niggas who come around, freak niggas who come around, and basic ass niggas who come around. Can I really be all these people?

Or is it something more tangible than just you are the company you keep? Is it more concrete than you are what you attract? I attract faithful, loyal ass niggas. I also attract weak ass fuck niggas, and all talk no action niggas. Am I really these different types of niggas too? I guess, depending on who you ask, on any given day I am. I think that’s why when I look in the mirror, I’m always conflicted about who I am. The masculine, naturally dominant man who likes things to flow according to me. The masculine, chill man who is indifferent to people, who allows the moment to meet my needs. The man, no classification of me. Living genuinely as the day presents itself. The vibe and aura of the music heavily influencing the energy I give off that day. The mixture of masculine and feminine energy. One where I set my boundaries for the day, allowing people to test their limits of engagement with me. The submissive guy who wants someone to come after me. Be outgoing and not always so laid back. Life isn’t just a one-way hunt. Both people need to feel wanted and liked for the dynamics to work.

The truth is I wanna show any and all of me off in a given day and I want someone versatile and diverse enough to appreciate it and be able to handle it. Who shows interest in me and I show the same in return. At times it’s the first part missing that causes questions and uncertainty. It’s the dismissive conversation we have or the energy I receive when we talk or get face to face. Understanding that I may not be aware of the shit going on with you or in your mind. I can only speak from my perspective. If you choose to keep your mouth shut, you can’t say anything to me. You say can why didn’t I speak or say something? The same will be true for you. Especially if you’re the one who has the problem. Realizing that constantly communicating can also be a sign of insecurity, as much as it’s a sign of genuine interest and intrigue. How do I balance all this? The itch for constant mental stimulation. The want for consistent emotional stimulation. The need for consistent sexual satisfaction. And a desire to not have to start it off all the time. The desire to not feel time-limited or suffocated. I want your time and your energy, but I don’t want you physically here all the time to give it to me… or do I?

The question that’s been asked to me who fuckin know how much in my life, and especially the past month or so. As the more healed, recovered, me shows himself, there have been renewed questions about my single status. Always consistent in my answer, niggas here ain’t shit and don’t know what they want. Truth is that partially correct. Now, let’s add I just don’t have time for niggas who with nothing to bring to the table. Get some depth and substance to you. Show me more than just your delicious body, your big ass dick, or your pretty plump ass. Yes, lil booties matter, and even lil booties is plump if the proportions right. Let me know that there’s depth to you. That we can do more than just be a nice fuckuationship or imaginary friends with benefits, because the truth is all we are is fuck buddies who take time to talk because we enjoy the comforts of each other, temporarily. I love that, don’t get me wrong. Sex is such a strong, passionate force in my life. Similarly, I want more. I want someone to be able to fuck all the time. Top or bottom action, on sum real shit, probably both. LMFAO. Someone to actually share my day with. Not like having to live in my house or physically be here, but to talk with about my day and theirs.

That’s where I look at myself again and say, don’t you keep it transactional with people until they prove themselves to be life including worthy. You can’t operate in this fashion and then not allow others to do the same. Because you know how to filter through the bullshit more efficiently than them, doesn’t give you the right to push them to your timeline. That’s where part of your evolution, being more patient, is being tested. When you give someone details on how they’re not showing up for you, you must have the patience to let them show you they do. That doesn’t happen overnight. And for me, that means getting impatient and finding a second or third option, because I’m still single and there’s been no conversation or comments made that we exclusive so we both can keep doing what we want. However, energy starts to be given that the desire is to just fuck with each other. Why should I do that when you’re not fully meeting my needs? There is always the balance between I want you for sex and I want you for more than sex. Maybe I want you around and it’s nothing to do with sex, it’s just the person you are that I need in my life.

The balance between willingly being helpful and that being abused because of how you see life. The uncertainty of: are they there because you’re willingly helping with life challenging shit. There really will be no way to know until you aren’t needed for anything but wanted for everything. There is a gigantic ass difference and knowing when you are chosen because of who you are and not for what you bring is a calm and confidence that can’t fully be explained. That’s why so many people refuse to date down. They date equal and up. Which makes sense because it provides a sense of security that someone isn’t solely interested in what you can give, but more on what you bring to the situation. These are the things I wrestle with all the time. The mirror can be a beautiful reflection or a tortured reminder.

Tell me about your mirror.

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Heart Chronicles – Fuck Nigga or Loyal Nigga

I know if you read that title off rip, you thinking what the fuck is this post even needed for? That would be ignorant of you and shortsighted too. It would also tell me that you really don’t know shit about me…LOL. You know I like to tease you with one thought and hit you with the true meaning behind the title. Let’s have this conversation for a minute because thinking about experiences and this is a very fair perspective to dig into.

When we think about some niggas today who are inconsistent with communication and appear to awkwardly or uncomfortably express and show their liking for you, we sometimes call them fuck niggas. Because they appear to be around to manipulate into being favorable to them and what they want. The pattern shows that when they’re most timely with their communication, is when there’s something to gain. Whether it be a free ride somewhere, money for their survival, or sex for the pleasuring of both of y’all. In this sense, you could easily say he a fuck nigga, because you don’t get most of his attention until he needs you for something. But that could also be part of the loyalty he’s showing you. No, it’s not the style or preferred way you want to communicate, but it’s actually very consistent in the way he approaches you. Then you can arguably say he’s a loyal nigga. He comes to you for the necessities of his life. Food to eat, things to buy that ensure he can have good hygiene, and to get him to important places he needs that aid his lifestyle and that fund it too.

Dig deeper into the puzzle, the truth is within every day y’all talk. There is always consistent checkin-in and following-up. You have a sense of what’s going on with each other. The reality is you’re intimately woven into his life now. Whether it’s to get weed, or to the store for a party he’s throwing, to getting food to eat, to eating cooked meals together, to being there while you work, and you, being present for his all-day panels he sits on. Within all that making time to talk to you, joke with you, sing for you, laugh with you, and spend true quality time together. Masked under the guise of life necessities is the building of something strong and stable. Seeing each other at different times of day and week. During the day, in the middle of the afternoon, evening time, nighttime, and late night. Truth is he’s been more open and transparent with his life than you have. In many respects, he sees that as a necessity for him to earn his way into your trust. Because you always come to the table with your chest wide open. People understanding who you are and why you are, but not the guts of you… the how.

Maybe that’s part of the dance that you have to do. Expressing to each other in specific terms who you are and how you move. Making sure that y’all understand the moves each other makes. The beautiful part of a dance with a stranger is that the awkwardness has to turn into beauty if you’re going to make the dance work. You have to learn each other’s tendencies. You have to understand what makes each other mad, happy, sad, all the shit that it takes to form something real. You can’t rush or push it; you must allow it to naturally happen. When the moments happen that make you feel a way, talk about that shit. Get understanding for each other. Learn about what makes him live as he does. Find out his back story. He will listen to you and learn about what makes you who you are. Again, hidden in the fuck nigga tendencies are real nigga traits. You can’t say you want someone real, honest, and open, then when you get that, you run because it’s being done the way you want it to. That’s being a hypocrite.

When he knows he’s wrong, he owns that shit. No fuckin around or dismissive conversations, he understands when he hurts your feelings, and he always makes sure to correct the action. He knows now how to avoid unnecessary tension with you, but because he’s toxic as fuck, he wants some of that tension. It lets him see the nigga inside you. It lets him understand that you won’t allow him to walk over you and just do whatever he wants. It makes him come down from the horse that gay society has put him on. That’s where the fuck nigga part of him comes in, somewhat. He’s the eye candy that almost every gay nigga out here gawks at. He knows he’s the center of attention. He’s a cool thug, a pretty masculine nigga, a charming hellraiser. The juxtaposition of all those analogies isn’t lost on me. All of them are true about him. The constant chess match. Never really knowing the temperature of the room until the moment comes. Adjust constantly to it and given grace to do so. The flip side of that is he also is a sex symbol. He advertises his body and his big ass dick. He knows what attention it brings, and the fact he can sing, rap, discuss, wrestle, run track, and has a generally dope ass personality, makes him all the more popular.

He’s been a street nigga since he was a teenager. Learning and living the street life at a young age. Seeing family get murdered also took a heavy hit on him. When your little brother gets taken out so young, how can you not have hatred in your heart and venom in your eyes? So, you do whateva you have to for your survival, even after the environment around you changes. It’s the order of the details of the story being told that you have to determine. Whatever it is though, you’re learning about the man and seeing where his fuck nigga traits come from. Add into the mix part of his survival includes associating with the punk/faggot scene in Atlanta. He’s part of those videos you see on socials when the gays be fighting at the club. He’s heavily involved in the mess and knows a lot about the people involved too. Then here comes the loyalty to you though, he always keeps you away from it. Never allowing too much of your conversation to be heard. But giving people enough of you to know that you’re the new something.

Then you have the light skin nigga that really don’t give a fuck about the perception people have of him. He’s a street nigga too. Not afraid of jail or tricks or anything that comes with that life. He’s someone that nobody would ever think of associating with you. Which means they ignore the basic principles of your life. Book covers never matter. He’s your typical cute, hood, light skin nigga. Not focused on the flash and pop of life. He likes the gutter better. Less attention on him and he does what he wants, how he wants to do it. He’s very toxic because he can be. Gay niggas love a manish nigga, especially when they light skin. His sex is good and when y’all around it’s definitely a good time. But he’s like you, he don’t really like people either. So, you don’t have consistent communication or even the most friendly, LMFAO. But, when it’s time, communication is very easy and simple. Until it’s not.

When he switches up and starts showing fuck nigga behavior, the flaking and disappearing after making plans, that’s when you have to move sideways with him too. Until the loyalty part shows up again. Remember y’all always find each other when you want to, and once you do it’s easy fireworks. This time around the energy is very different. Both of y’all remember the chemistry you share and the conversations you’ve had. Not ashamed of or embarrassed by your pasts. Y’all embrace it and make life-lasting bonds because of them. Here we go again, you have to now consider all the shit y’all talked about and the time y’all spend reuniting and shit versus the fuck nigga he showing himself to be now. Here’s another nigga willing to take accountability thou for his actions. So let’s ask the question again. Is this a fuck nigga or a loyal nigga? Always a top, his way of making up for his shit was to bottom for you. Shocked and awed by the moment. Definitely happy you got it. Now you wonder is there more to this? Is it that he’s always been verse and just never felt you deserved it until now? Is he a Verse top that found someone he wants to and feels comfortable enough to give them cheeks to? Time will give you the answers as it always does, you have to be willing to let it do so.

What about the unintentional fuck nigga. One who does all the right things on the surface. Consistently communicates and takes deep interest in your life and what’s going on in it. Always willing to be there and is available for you. At the same time, when those efforts aren’t rewarded with daddy thick dick, there’s this meltdown that seems to happen. A disappointment that causes the whole dynamic to shift. The communication becomes less personal and more basic. The energy decreases and the attention is limited. All being done because he didn’t get what he wanted when he wanted it. How is that not the definition of a fuck boy too? There isn’t just one way or one type of fuck nigga. Fuck niggas come in all shapes, sizes, types, and styles. A brown skin, socially awkward, socially aware, handsome, workout warrior is very capable of being a fuck nigga too. Then consider the loyal nigga traits shown too.

You have history that already confirms both are true of him. He has given you some fuck nigga traits with his stubbornness and refusal to change some behaviors that don’t promote the we but I model of dealing with people. That theme has been consistently present, mixed in with that has been the consistency of the communication and quality of care and attention given to you. Never being willing to settle for being out of your life. Always wanting to have that connection to you and affection for you. Wanting to show you the evolution occurring within him and how that could substantively benefit you. You’ve cooked meals together, showered together, laughed together, had dinner together, and sat quietly together. There is never a denial of the loyal nigga in him, but again I ask if you’re unwilling to make changes with things that matter, aren’t you also a fuck nigga too?

Then there’s the person who knows they a fuck nigga but for you they tryna be a loyal nigga. How do those two things ever resolve themselves favorably? The only way that you will be able to convince me that I should deal with you is to show me that you aren’t a fuck nigga. Let’s examine that too. You don’t listen, you don’t respond well to criticism. You’re too self-serving and you lack action. The fuck nigga who thinks they can talk their way through everything is hilarious to me. I could care less how good you look, how big of a bag you got, or anything else. The number one thing for me is you can’t talk one game and your actions playing a whole different game. Then that means I can’t take you seriously. Some people are shy, I understand that, but that’s an excuse. If you’re open enough to talk, then be just as open to showing what you talking. Otherwise, it’s best to leave me the fuck alone.

That’s a toxic fuck nigga because to have the capacity to have a full, coherent conversation about the shit and to keep doing the same thing is a fuck nigga in all its glory. LOL. To be forced into a recalibration of your dynamic and you still come out with the same fuck nigga actions is really weird. And that’s when we ask is he a loyal nigga? Even through all these warts, the nigga is consistent in his outreach to you. When you drop his ass for a few weeks, he takes the L, knowing he fucked up, and then reappears. Attempting foolishly to talk you into believing that he’s had some epiphany, and his life now has new meaning and understanding. He has a new drive to take more ownership over what and who is in his life. You know, the standard, typical fuck nigga line all these simp ass niggas give when they know a nigga is truly tired of the fuckery that comes with them. Credit given though, because he keeps trying. He keeps “working” on himself to present a version of himself that will appease you. Trying to more consistently display traits that you will approve of. Trais that will endear him to you and make you wanna consider the more loyal side of him than the fuck nigga side.

I’m not sure how I wind up dealing with people whose personalities split so easily in opposite ways. Different types of people and completely different personalities. I guess it fits with me because I’m sure some will say I display both fuck nigga and loyal nigga tendencies too. LOL.

Leave a comment Posted on current events, Politics

Life Chronicles – America’s Misogyny Problem

I’ve digested my feelings for this past week. Again, I watched as America decided it will not elect a qualified woman to be President of this racist, patriarchal, White male-led country. The White women chose to vote with their race instead of their issues. The Latin community, mostly men, sided with a dictator, over their issues. Black men decided they would stay home and protest vote, while others decided to vote for a bigoted, racist who has never supported the community in the way it asks a Black woman to do. I’ve been reading, listening, and watching all the typical people come out and bullshit the nation about how out of touch the Democratic party is with blue collar workers. That’s the biggest fuckin lie in politics. They’re very in touch. Look at the policies of the current administration. Unemployment rate at 4%, good for all, especially Blacks. Student loan debt being cancelled and reduced. Paid Family leave being made law and required for all companies to offer. Persistent push to raise minimum wage, at all levels, to at least $15/hr. That raises the floor that all people get paid. That allows for people to make a wage that is more living life worthy.

Make sure LGBTQ+ people have equal rights and protections under the law. Providing quality healthcare access to more than 50 million people, who couldn’t get covered. And lowering costs for the hundreds of millions of others who have private insurance. Wow, they really must be out of touch. All you ignorant ass motha fuckas who sit out here and bitch about how things are, but you don’t vote and when you do, your dumb ass wastes your vote on people who will never win, or on a candidate who won’t do a fucking thing to help your life. Did your dumb asses forget what America was like under Trump pre-Covid. The economy was tanking. The stock market was high, but the job market was suffering. The economy lost millions of jobs under Trump before Covid. Oh, and for you ignorant ass people who think it was Trump who was responsible for the Covid payments, let me be the last and next to educate your stupid ass.

Congress is responsible for ALL financial laws and bills that become law. You got the money because of a Democratic-led House of Representatives, under the leadership of Speaker of the House, Nanci Pelosi. Oh, that’s right a WOMAN, you stupid bitches. She and her colleagues felt that all y’all ignorant Americans needed a check to make it easier for you to live in a shutdown economy. In fact, they wanted to give you MORE money. They wanted to give you between $2500-$3500 a month, for three to six months. Do you know who rejected that idea and stalled progress on it until the amount came down to the $1200 checks you got… DONALD TRUMP and the REPUBLICANS. So, for all the stupid people that voted for Trump because of the stimmi check, dumb bitch you didn’t get the check because of him, you got the check in spite of him. And more could’ve been had if he had been willing to agree to it.

Now that we’ve established that, let’s really unpack what happened. America is still a racist nation, founded for and catering to the whims of White men, and now, old ass, nasty White men. They flexed all their muscle this week and it showed with the White women, who for the past 4 years, have been trending away from Trump, but chose to support him at a 57% clip. We will have to find the perfect woman candidate to run and win. Let’s be honest, she will probably have to be a Republican, and the chances of a woman Republican candidate getting the nomination for President is as likely as me becoming President. Notice that in multiple Presidential nominating contests, Republicans have fielded qualified women candidates who were defeated handily, by the Orange blob. Democrats were able to nominate two candidates and both times America said they weren’t going to support her. In a country where 157+ million people voted in 2020, we’ve had 18+ million fewer people vote this year. And most of them were Democrats. Now explain that to me. And don’t say the economy because I’ve already given you the data that shows you’re better off.

And yes, Imma regular nigga who knows the price of everything is high as fuck. I also understand a President saying he wants to impose 20% tariffs is only going to cause the price of shit to go through the fuckin rough. But you dumb assholes think because he plays a successful businessman on tv that he’s going to fix shit. Now his administration is going to ride the economic and fiscal policies of the current administration for their first year or so in office and take credit. All those jobs that are about to start because of the Infrastructure bill that passed under this Congress and administration, his people are gonna try and take credit for that. And you stupid-ass simpletons are going to let him. When the truth is they will be because of Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, and the Democrats in the House of Representatives that got that legislation through Congress. What is it about this nation that when faced with the opportunity to continue growth and prosperity, you always choose regression, racism, misogyny, and divisiveness? I’ve only seen this country choose togetherness, in the modern era, once. The elections of Barack Obama as our 44th President. And because he didn’t give Black people, especially men, everything they wanted, they’ve vilified him every since.

We do not live in a country of balance and equality. We have always lived in a country of tolerance. The White ruling class tolerates Black prominence to an extent. When they feel it’s reached too far into their comfort, they will pull it back and remind folks of why America is never the greatest nation in the world. But adding to that, niggas, y’all are the biggest part of the problem. We constitute enough of a population block in this country that if we truly voted as a community 85% of the time in elections, do you know how many times the candidates that supported our initiatives and causes would have been elected. Can you imagine how different the country would be if we, Black people, took our vote as seriously as our ancestors who marched, bled, cried, and died for us to have this right? Yet, we choose to create some bullshit reasons, fake ass obstacles, and ignorant ass rationales why we have to sit out or support the racist over someone who truly is trying to improve the situation.

Now let me also not be ignorant or blind. I understand that Democrats haven’t done the best job at delivering on their promises at any point in this American experiment. When the political winds have been present, they’ve always chosen a pragmatic approach that attempts to isolate none and fully satisfy none as well. That definitely hurts their case when presented to people. The reason that the Republicans rarely suffer that fate, is because they don’t expand their tent truthfully. They open the backdoor for people who will latch on to one or two of their policies that fit their beliefs and ignore the 15 others that are contradictory to their daily life survival. We continue to live in this prism of oppression and repression. Allowing nigga turncoats like Candice Owens and Ray J and others to perpetuate the hate and divisiveness coming from the racists and bigots for their gain. If you want the real answers to what happened. White people became uncomfortable with Joe Biden because he’s too fucking old. Kamala Harris was the only candidate who could use the Presidential fundraising dollars amassed by the Biden Harris team. American people said they couldn’t vote for him, and they wouldn’t vote for her. Trump knew it and so did his people.

And let’s also be clear. I don’t want a single fucking media member, talking head, political advisor or anyone else coming to the Black community and asking or begging for us to do shit. Similarly, if you’re one of the ignorant niggas who voted for Trump or didn’t vote at all because you’re dumb as fuck, shut the fuck up! I don’t wanna hear your complaints, grips, or bitching. You are the reason that we’re all having to endure another 4 years of this ignorant shit. Fuck all you who thought that this was the best course of action. America will always be for the White man. The bigoted, racist, misogynistic, prejudiced White man.

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle

Life Chronicles – Missing My Angel

Periodically I find myself caught by the emotions that strongly push through my body. Lately, I’ve been dealing with a mixture of sadness, disappointment, loneliness, and emptiness. Compound those feelings with being bipolar, and it’s pretty easy to slip into a depressive state. Which is kinda where I’ve found myself this past week. There hasn’t been anything significant that happened to push me into this space. Just my thoughts, and feelings mixing. The same manic episodes I have when I get angry are the same episodes I have when I get depressed. The difference this time is when I get the depression manic episodes, they don’t ease up as quickly. This week has been challenging. I miss my grams; I feel like my circle is fleeting and I don’t really feel appreciated. Too often I feel like it’s all about what I can do for someone and very rarely is it about the family bond, love, and togetherness that I intentionally work on cultivating.

Calling my momma this week just to check in and talk, turned into a panic about what’s wrong. The return phone call never came, though, once she knew nothing was wrong, I just called to talk to her. The same thing happened with my son the next day. Calling to check up and check in. Needing to handle business, and the day still being relatively early, I told him to handle it and call me back. Three days later, still no callback. But if the world was on fire, or their lives needed a resolution, I’m gonna be called immediately. The same is true for my niece. I do my best to keep consistent contact with her, often times responses take days to come. But, like most niggas, let it be some money involved and those come back-to-back. Eagerly awaiting a favorable reply, and when it comes the response is equally swift. Let it be a conversation to catch up, those are far between. Add to that, my “big bro”. Always willing to sit in the group chat and wax about the bullshit of togetherness and brotherhood. Yet, numerous times, he failed to follow through on his word with me. Another one of my brother-in-arms talked with me recently and made the comment that he hoped the group reciprocated the energy I give to it. I never affirmed him in that response. It’s no secret that most of the niggas in the group are full of hot, stanky air. No real truth coming from them. Just plaudits to make themselves sound and look good in the eyes of the group.

I never live for the accolades from people. I do appreciate the acknowledgment of and appreciation for my realness and open compassion for others. When it doesn’t happen, or it feels like it lacks authenticity it bothers me. Yes, I can say to anyone you don’t appreciate me. The response will always be yes, I do, how can you say that? You don’t know what I feel. And that answer is always one thousand percent correct. My response though, is also true; the actions and energy coming from you don’t make me feel that you do. And that’s where the stalemate enters. As more time passes and life continues to draw shorter, I take time to evaluate who does what to and with me. Who reaches out without me always having to speak first. Who takes time to have conversations with me and catch up on life. Who just uses me for one of the many talents that I possess. I even had someone attempt to blame me for their life being fucked up. Because they aim to please people, and they lose track of themselves in the process. The fact that he attempted the same process for learning about me, caused him to have the same effect as when he went after others. Now the issue is, I never ever asked for, or told him to do anything. I was amused at the attempt, but I was pissed off at the brazen ignorance. You try to make people fall for you by sticking around them all the time. Being clingy as a bitch and getting upset when you’re rejected for the clinginess. Even still, I never rejected him. I explained that I don’t want or need anyone trying to be in my space every day. Especially someone new to me. Allow time and life to allow us to learn and understand each other.

All of these different interactions stick out to me. Last week a friend had the nuts to ask for tickets to the Nicki Manage concert as a birthday present. Nigga we not that close, and even so, I don’t buy shit like that for my friends who haven’t been substantive friends in my life. Another friend who is as sweet as a piece of red velvet cake but has the consistency of an absent parent. Birthday time and you want to have an event, but you don’t communicate and always have an excuse as to why you can’t do something. Why are so many different types of people, displaying the exact same type of behavior? It defies most of the logic that some use to try and explain people. The old saying “birds of a feather flock together.” While there is validity in the statement, it’s an overgeneralization that needs context provided. In all the examples I cited, none of these people would be considered the same. Some women, some men. Some straight, some gay. Yet the behaviors are the same.

My homegirl who claims she wanted to have a smoke session months ago, never opens her mouth about it. Yet, we spend plenty time keying together. Everything is always left up to me. Everything is always dictated by what I say or don’t say. What I do or don’t do. And to some degree, that’s a large amount of responsibility. On the other hand, it’s very challenging, because I don’t want to always have to make the first move. Ask the first question. Does anyone have the true concept of what friendship, and companionship is? It’s not built on the back of one person. It takes both people to actively be engaged with each other. I think that’s been part of my problem lately. With every relationship in my life. Biological family, friends, chosen family, and colleagues, everyone just seems to sit back and wait on me to do everything. No one reaches out just to see how I am. Just to talk and catch up on life. Or if they do, it’s always about what I can do for them. Not if they can do something for me, or to see about me. It becomes a hurtful place after a while because being a leader doesn’t mean that you don’t want to be seen about.

That’s where I miss my angel most. Even though she would get fucked up trying to call me, because she would always get confused dialing my number, she tried. She would even get to the point of calling 411 and the operator would call my phone for her. LOL. I love that woman for that so much. She never let anything stand in her way of getting to her grandson. Anytime we talked she always made sure to make the beginning of the conversation about me. Wanting to know what’s going on in my life. All facets of my life and not because she wanted to know so she could run and tell it, but so she could be sure that I was well. I miss having that consistently present in my life. While there are a couple of people who try to incorporate elements of that, they miss the mark on consistency and tone. I always appreciate their efforts though, because they don’t have to do it at all. I’ve tried to listen to her when she told me don’t accept any wooden nickels or cardboard dimes. LMFAO. Meaning, don’t accept the fake shit that people sell you. Often when I don’t listen to those words is when the fuck shit happens.

She always brought the right amount of balance needed for me to offset the constant demands on me and the limited appreciation shown for my time and effort. It’s hard to hear from people that they don’t know what they would do if I wasn’t here. Or that I can’t die anytime soon because they don’t know how they would get through. When they do nothing to really appreciate me while I’m here. I guess it’s the reason so many people feel like they’re alone, even though their reach is wide and arching. When the substance you emit isn’t sufficiently returned, your levels deplete, and you have to find the recharge alone. I appreciate anyone who tries or has tried to offer themselves as a resource. I also am underwhelmed and often unfulfilled because the well is usually very low and inconsistently available.

All the changes that occurred in my life during the time she lived, she was always there for me. There for me no matter what I wanted to talk about or how I felt when we talked about shit. Even that one time we had a lil argument because I bucked back at her. She was unnecessarily aggressive and didn’t want to understand that I was not driving when I came home. Which meant I couldn’t come to see her as frequently as she was used to during my Thanksgiving vacation visit. She cussed me out while I was walking to the store to get my groceries for the week. And given that I was tired, hot, and walking, I couldn’t keep myself from returning the fire. She hung up the phone and called my momma. My momma called me, and I explained the situation to her. I gave her a day or two to think and calm down, then I called my grams back. She actually seemed happy that I stood up to her and held my ground when she tried to push back on me. We never spoke about it again and our relationship never wavered. We talked every week like clockwork.

My heart was severely damaged when my grandma passed away 5 years ago. My momma is still recovering, and I see the pain still in her eyes. My family was already dysfunctional before she passed, but we’ve taken it to new levels since she’s been gone. I’m the Swiss army knife of the family. I can navigate between everyone. I live outta state and I’m never in the middle of the drama because I don’t give a fuck. I miss being able to talk to everyone as a group. Not having to text one then the other, to get the others. Family traumas that have never been discussed and resolved. New family beef that seems to have no resolution in sight. Everyone struggling to carve their piece of ownership and leadership out of the pie. Forgetting that what makes this family so dynamic is the strength of the numbers we possess. We are smaller in packs because a family of 5 doesn’t carry the same weight as a family of 65. She was always able to make the family of 5 turn into 65, and that’s missing.

How do you continue to be the glue for everyone, when you have little glue for yourself. It’s the question that I ask more than a little bit. It’s one that I don’t know if I will ever find the answer to. Niggas don’t know how to be the glue. Too many are fucked up themselves and stuck on themselves. Others are figuring shit out like you are, they just lack the mental strength and foresight that you routinely call upon. Others are developing and aren’t ready to be consistent with their glue. Making mistakes is part of life. It happening publicly and embarrassingly isn’t always part of the plan, but it’s part of life. You definitely find out who really fucks with you and who was just along for the ride, long as the shit was clean. I appreciate anyone who knew or saw the wreck and decided to stand with me, not over me. Those who never knew but felt the pain and still rocked with me, I appreciate just as much. My angel, I wish you were here to talk to me. Laugh, joke, cry, encourage, support, love, care for me.

Leave a comment Posted on dating, real talk

Heart Chronicles – Healing Hurts 3

The journey to close the wounds to your heart is extremely challenging, being bipolar adds an extra layer that many can never understand, and few will ever talk about. Part of the truth of the epic failure of my Dallas journey is that the person I chose to take with me and build a life, was trapped by his family. They saw that he had a boyfriend who truly loved him and wanted to see his life improve. I did things for him because he explained his story to me, and I wanted to see him win. Despite the challenges he faced, he seemed undeterred. He pushed himself to be better. He was leaving the fast life behind. Getting off the hard drugs and trying to live a life he could be proud of. He got his come up being with me, his family saw that, and their eyes only saw green. Not only did his family see green, but they became very manipulative and aggressive in their private conversations with him to get money out of me. That’s where many of the cracks began to show.

When your biological mother and the mother who raised you, both come at you all the time with they hands out, it’s hard to say no. The problem was he didn’t make money to the degree that I did. He didn’t know how to save and say no like I did. What complicated matters even more was the accident that he and his brother had. They had two different situations, and two different types of people advising them on what to do. He asked me what he should do. I gave him the truth, and told him how the process works, being a claims adjuster. I also rationalized with him to understand how getting money from accidents works. His settlement was nice and being someone not used to lump sums of money, he blew it all within a couple months, even though I also explained to him about saving and why he should. His brother played the long game, faked his injuries, and got a little more money. But he didn’t understand the process, a majority of the money went to the law firm he hired to represent him. Taking “loans” on the money from the insurance company to feed his drug habits and give his family money. My boyfriend did the same thing. Splurging on shit he really couldn’t afford and constantly giving his family money. Down to $500 in about 45 days.

I remember one argument we had one day after his family questioned my commitment to him because I was unwilling to regularly send money to them. When he got hooked back on hard drugs, and they found out, they quickly showed how little they really cared about him and more about the money he could give them. Quick to tell me he needs help, and he needs to get into rehab and all these things. Nobody offered to help pay for it. Nobody accepted part of the responsibility for constantly hounding him about money. Which means he harassed me for money, causing more issues in our already strained relationship. I accept and understand that part of what drew a wedge between us was his family. I also understood that he was a liar. Not being truthful about his prior sexual dealings, not being truthful about his drug problem. All these things compounded with rushing to be together and led to even more challenging times together.

When you understand that dynamics beyond your control are intimately affecting your relationship it’s hard to walk away, when you’ve become attached to the person at the center of the issues. That’s also where I must accept responsibility for allowing my life to crash out with him. There were numerous opportunities to walk away from him and rebuild the broken pieces, but I chose love and him. That has always been part of my downfall choosing the wrong man to love. Not always listening to my instincts when they scream walk the fuck away. This was one of those situations where I should have walked away and cut my losses, yet I chose to stay. The longer I stayed the more shit burnt up. Eventually, there was nothing left to burn and the whole situation exploded. Looking dumb and embarrassed, I walked away and went through this long journey to heal all the scars that relationship created. Damn man, sometimes it can be as simple as listening to yourself. This is one of those look yourself in the mirror and accept your shit. How I never allowed myself to get to the level of using hard drugs, I will never really know. I’m just thankful I have enough self-love to never get to that point.