Talking out both sides of your mouth eventually will get you roped up. Being a grown nigga means being responsible for the shit you say and do. What is point of always saying you’re so grown when you don’t walk the talk every day? To use the excuse that you don’t want to have to be honest and accountable is laughable. That’s not grown or being about yo shit. Tell the truth, always. Why would you need to conceal what you doing unless you know the shit left and you would be looked at funny.

Tell the world that right now it’s about you having fun and enjoying the youthful part of adult life. All that is fine. To say that you have trust issues is a real thing and I can accept that. Problem is the way you moving is not like that either. You carry it like you know you look good so you can do what you want. And that may be true. But don’t forget the other side of that coin too.. I look good too and I can do what I want. I give respect and I expect the respect to be given back. If you have a problem being respectful, then it’s time for you to go. In a world filled with unrealistic, fake, and fucked up ass people, you take one who is genuine and real with you and you can’t even show the necessary respect.

I found myself last night listening to someone on the phone talking to their ex, no big deal, about the next nigga, big fuckin issue. Compound that with the night before, you decided to have another conversation about me and you continue to use to bullshit ass excuse of It’s awkward, I can’t explain it. Let’s address each part one by one. I don’t care that you decide to talk back to your ex. Even though you spent plenty of time telling me how awful of a person he was. You did give him credit that he helped you out when you were lacking. But you also made clear that the shit y’all went through was toxic as fuck. You also told me you blocked him and cut him off. Now all of a sudden you back talking all the time. You calling him at 3am to talk about what exactly? While we laying in the bed watching a movie. Was that your way of being petty to get me off you? If you felt that way all yo had to do was say something. But, you wouldn’t because I had been laying on for a lil minute and you ain’t have nothing to say.

Now, why you felt the need to do all that at almost 4 in the morning, I don’t know but that really started the issues. Then you sit and you read out loud the fact you fuckin on the next niggas and explaining the situation with you and him to the ex. Why the fuck do you think that makes sense to do while you’re laying in the bed with me. Yes, we know we’re not in a relationship. We know that it’s a situationship, so why the fuck would you wanna have that conversation laying here with me? To add a little extra sauce to the dynamic, why the fuck are you here at my house? Because you want your freedom from the place you stay now? I’m not your fucking safety net from your life. You so grown, keep yo grown ass over there. Have all the conversations that you want with whomever you want. Oh, that’s right, you’re the secretive adult. You say you don’t want anyone in your business to that degree. You tell me some of the truth that you want me to know about what you’re doing, but you ain’t gone keep it bean with me. You know if you do thar yo ass ain’t gone be here. Well the truth is already sliding out and the facts are being litigated. You will not be here as much.

Now to this conversation you decided to have the other night about me. You wanna talk about me, but tell the nigga the real about me too. I’m chocolate and handsome as fuck. I don’t look my age at ALL. I have plenty of motion and swag to me. I choose to keep shit simple and easy right now. I am more than capable of taking care of you, if I wanted to or had to. That’s relationship shit, not situationship shit. You really showed your immaturity and fuckness that night. Because we’re in that store and I couldn’t really get right with you then, it slid for a second. Early this morning thou, I got in your ass and I meant every fuckin word of what I said. You will not sit, lay, walk, eat, shit, shower, in my fuckin house and be waxing on about the next nigga or other nigga, whatever you wanna call it. I don’t give a fuck about you saying you wanna have fun. If that’s the case, have all the fun you want at the place you stay. Ain’t nobody forcing you to come over here. Ain’t nobody asking for you to come here if we keeping it honest. You keep asking can you come over here and lettin me know that you wanna come back. I get it you say you need your space and peace. Well imma let you have all that, away from me. You can sleep on my couch too if you want. That will make it comfortable right.

Because according to you it’s awkward with us. But not too awkward for you to lay in my bed every night your here. Not too awkward for us to fuck for month. Not too awkward for us to spend hundreds of dollars on each other for Valetines Day. Not too awkward to go on dates for months. Not too awkward for you to show me off to your family and close friends you have. Not too awkward for my name to always be in your mouth. Not too awkward for you to have your personal shit sent to my house and keep some of your shit here. But you want to keep running on this fuck ass idea that there is some awkwardness that still exists. Nigga don’t keep playing in my face. Because you play pussy you get fucked as my old teaching mentor used to say. I gave you more than enough rope and I allowed you to have the access you did because you hadn’t given me a reason to restrict myself from you. The bullshit from the past couple nights have changed that calculation. Like I told you last night, we finna reset this shit. It’s time for you to spend less time here. Yes, I know it’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna be a little awkward now because I’ve gotten used to you being around and you’ve gotten used to being around me. We did have our own little world we operated in. I could tell for a while you was fuckin with it. Why would you say you would’ve gone to VA with me last weekend if the ticket prices were lower. Not with the way you carried on last night. Do you know I would’ve got back to Atlanta, dropped yo fuck ass off and that trip next month would be the next time that you see me.

I know some may say well that nigga is much younger than you, why are you acting this way. Because I don’t cut no slack to a nigga, I don’t give a fuck how recent into adulthood you are. When you decide to fuck with someone significantly older than you, the expectation is you get the same treatment and the same standard level as anyone else. If that’s not something you can understand or rock with, then like I said, take ya ass back to where you live and stay away from me for a lil bit. It’s okay, we still cool. We still good, but now you gone have to open that wallet more. You gone be responsible for your shit even more. We not gone have all this sweet and rosy shit around. The first time you fuck up my respect that’s on you. The second time you do it, that’s on me. I swear on me, there isn’t a third. I get it. To the eyes of many they will say you knew this would happen, why put yourself in this position. My response is, because he showed motion early and kept it consistent. I wanted to do something a lil different and see what the outcome would be. Turns out, it’s just like the rest of the shit. Can’t give a nigga nothing in Atlanta. He’s already showing he gone be just like the rest of the Atlanta vortex gays. Willing to be petty and talk about folks regardless, because he wants to be with the in crowd.

Funny, when we settle into what we do, you talk like a nigga who really wanna be around me and be in my space. But, when you get them other niggas in your ear and/or your friends, you quickly show that you still have a lot of maturing left to do. It shows that you will sway with the breeze a little more than I thought. And let me give you plenty of credit, you have a lot of maturity to you as is. You take the punches life throws at you and you navigate them better than most who are 10+ years older than you. You listen and take advice well when managing life. Clearly, you had/have feelings for me but, whomever is in your ear encouraging you to see what else is out there, I see you’ve allowed yourself to listen to them. I heard you when you said you don’t think anyone in Atlanta can be faithful. You said you would never have someone to yourself in this city. I disagree with you. I think if you find someone that really wants to fuck with you and you choose to fuck with them, then you can have that. Only if the two of you really want that life. If you believe in each other and get wrapped up in each other then it works.

Today begins the next phase of this situationship. One that brings less time and less energy for each other. I think you need to be free more to have fun as you say. Vibe with whomever you want. Make the connections you feel you need or want to make. You will do it with less of me though. I don’t respect you as much as I did. What you did in my face this morning, that changed how I saw you. I’m grown enough to have enough respect for you to let be here for the next couple days. When you go home on Wednesday though, I don’t think I wanna see you for a couple weeks. I need space and time away from you. You need space and time away from me. I have given you nothing but respect since I met you. I’ve been nothing but considerate of you while you’re in my presence. Twice now, you’ve pulled me out of character because you wanted to show your ass. You knew the fuck shit you did was wrong when you did it. Maybe you didn’t think I would say anything because we talked and you said you just wanna have fun. That conversation has been had a couple times, and I’ve always said to you keep the other shit you do outside my house. And for you to acknowledge that I said that you and you still decided to do it anyway… Yeaaaa I’m definitely looking at you different now.

All that heat off my chest let’s get to the softness and heart of the situation. I gained a lot of respect for you over the past four months because of how you carried yourself. Because of how you showed me your maturity and your heart. For being honest with me, to a point now. I bonded with you because of life and the circumstances that happened. It wasn’t expected or forced. It was by chance of life and I accepted the call that life threw out and apparently you did too, until you didn’t. I don’t know if the age gap really sits in your mind. Maybe you feel a way because you can’t post me on your socials the way you want because I’m older. Maybe you’ve talked to people who know me or have fucked with me and they’ve given you a different opinion to think about, I can’t say. I know that we both understood the assignment when we accepted it a few months ago and rightfully you decided you wanted to pivot. I accept that and I don’t hold a grudge for that. I do hold resentment for how you’re now managing this situation. You’re showing me something I didn’t expect to see and that you never showed before. The first time you did it, I decided that I needed to get in ya ass about it because I had to set the precedent that I’m allowing that shit. Single or not. New or not. You ain’t gone be in my house on the phone with the next nigga. And some fuck nigga at that. You heard and understood that message. You haven’t done it since.

What in your head made you think that it was cool or cute to be talking about the next nigga you tryna build bonds and shit with on the phone in my face? That’s the same fucking thing. I don’t care what the fuck you try to say. None of the shit makes sense and it points to a willful desire to ignore me and disrespect me in my own house. Now I know you didn’t think it was cute because as soon as you got on the phone with the nigga you quickly grabbed your ear pod so you could have the conversation. All the other conversations you were quick to have on speaker phone. And it seems to me that your ex is the problem. Ever since you started back talking to him again, your actions have become more hoeish than when you cut him out. Says plenty about the examples you allow yourself to talk to. I guess the fuck shit always has the most attention over the real shit, huh. A real nigga knows that coming in someone how and talking about the next nigga you fuckin and laying up with, while being laid up with someone else is trifling as fuck. It’s trashy and faggot like. Then you have the nerve to be on the phone with you brother this morning and pretend as if shit cool. Yea he felt the energy off too. Ain’t nobody dumb bro.

I know, I keep going in and out of niceness lol. It’s a true reflection of how I feel about all this shit. I really don’t feel the same about him right now. My energy for and towards him isn’t the same right now. He really showed his ass in my face and I feel like I have to teach a lesson. Whether it be tonight or Wednesday night, when he goes home it will be a lil minute before I want to see him again. Let’s make sure that all the important business is handled before he leaves here. Honestly, I don’t really want an excuse needed for him to come around me for a lil bit. Yes, I say all this now knowing that it could change before the day is out. It could change before we get to Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. It also could stay the same or get worse. I’m playing all of this through my head again as I’m fully awake and it’s not the middle of the night anymore. When it all happened, it was late as fuck and I was really in a wind down, chill mindset. Now, I’m up and my mind continues to race about what was said and what happened. I had someone lay in my bed looking dumb as fuck in the face, trying to justify himself. First trying to pretend like he didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about. Only to finally be real and admit he knew what the fuck was going on. Then pivots to IDK why you acting like that, I said I was having fun. Nigga have fun out of my house. Have fun away from me. Have fun without being always in my presence. Have fun with the nigga you wanna spend time with. Have fun and let him take you around. Have fun and let him get you to work and to your appointments. I’m okay with that honestly. Knowing that it would be an adjustment and knowing that means limited time together, it also allows me to distance myself from him and get back to holding my own energy without worrying about someone else’s primarily.

So here we are. On this dreary day, I find myself uncertain of exactly how I want to move with him. I know it’s not that serious to not really say anything at all to him. I also realize it is serious enough to not say shit to him for a while. The first time we went through this, his realization happened after we were already on the way back to his place for me to drop him off. Before he called and asked to come back to my house the next day. This time, he gave a tacit acknowledgement before we went to sleep, saying okay Xavier, I won’t do that here. Right, because you already know you was dead ass wrong. You know that what you did and how you did it was completely the fuck outta line. Call anybody you want and tell them that shit. Call anybody you want and let them know the entire situation of how it came about and what you did. We had a conversation once and I told him that when pitted against someone else for a man, if I really wanted him, I would get him. He said really and maybe that plays part in this too. He knows and wants to be the difference. If that’s your real aim, you’re going to lose. I don’t care enough to sit in a back n forth with a nigga over you. IDGAF if you just stopped or started talking; from what you said, I know enough to know this shit is very recent and I have to give you less of me. Less access, less attention, less focus.

He told me I love you first. Then he tried to qualify it and say like a best friend. Do I fully believe that? No, I don’t. And I don’t think that the other people who know about me do either. We all appreciate the fact that you say you’re not ready and you want to have fun, because you need to finish getting yourself together. That’s the claim that you made. As time continues to move though, I’m not so sure that I fully believe that either. It’s awkward because you want it to be. It’s awkward because you’re protecting yourself. I’m not stupid and I been understood it. I can’t make you believe me or believe in me. I can’t make you trust me and my loyalty to you, if we was together. That can only happen if you want it to. You claim you trust me with your business. You claim you tell me everything. I’ve been with you in the trenches, but I think it was too much too fast for you. We’ve done all these things and you’re either scared or that man got in your ear and you choose to believe the toxic ex because you’ve known him longer. No matter the reasoning, I see what I see and that’s enough for me to know it’s time for a change. And that’s what I’m going to deliver.

How this winds up playing out, I can’t say right now. I will say that my mind is torn between the rationalization that he’s young and needs to be able to freely see the world and the niggas in them. The other side is that he still needs to be held accountable for himself and his actions. Just because you’re free to explore, doesn’t mean you will do it disrespectfully to me. I’m learning to balance myself and temper my reactions for when the moment calls. Constantly blowing up doesn’t solve the issue and continuing to be nice doesn’t solve it either. The balance must be present to provide maximum effect. How you handle it the day after is equally important. No matter who you are, we all want to be free to do the things we like/want to do and not have to explain ourselves to anybody. I believe that you can have it that way. When you have your own, on your own, do all your own. When that isn’t the case, you should respect the person or people, you’re sharing life with. They don’t have to let you in their life and space, and you don’t have to let them in yours.

Today feels like a sit with me day. Which means, sit and think day. I want to do so much and so little all at the same time. Like every day. It feels like I don’t belong. It feels like I’m around and I don’t have people who truly just want to be around in the dynamics we’ve created. Always trying to alter them to favor them. Not willing to grow in the spaces created and allow life to dictate the rest.

Damn.. it’s been good lil minute since I revealed my heart. Let’s play catch up and Ian gone lie, this will take a while. There’s a lot that’s happened since I last truly sat down to spill my soul.

On a professional level, so much has changed. Some for the good, and some not so good. Taking it all in stride and figuring out the way through has been challenging, but ultimately, I think it will all be worth it, sooner than later. I took a promotion at the end of June and became a Technical Account Manager at the Practice Group level. What that means is I’m dealing. primarily, with high dollar spending clients. Also, with clients who are very knowledgeable about the software and specific business unit that I service.

There are definite advantages to being on a Practice Group team. There is a level of freedom and accountability attached that must be respected and maintained. You have to somewhat serve to the needs of your client, but the tradeoff is you get to have a level of autonomy that is enjoyable. There is a lot of bias that exists within this business unit. There isn’t a lot of true office variety. They don’t provide at work relief opportunities. They don’t provide any financial incentives for doing your job above and beyond. They don’t have a pay structure that rewards you for becoming a Practice level account manager.

There’s more to add but that’s coming in a latter post, more specific to just the work shit I’ve been dealing with.

Family-wise, life has been very difficult and challenging. I lost my aunt, my uncle, my sister’s momma, my cousin’s husband all since we last spoke. My family is still fractured from the actions of my aunts during the loss of their sister. The other truth is that my family still has old wounds that have existed since we were younger and they still have not been resolved. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen and I don’t know that it will happen any time soon. It’s a sad story to see such a powerful family torn apart because we can’t heal from our old wounds. Something that probably began during my grandma’s life and heightened after she died. That served as the split that seems to have permanently distanced our family from each other.

There have been efforts to mend the pain and at least bring some sort of family unity. Sadly, that hasn’t happened either. An attempt to bring us together blew up into petty and childish ass arguments. Just when I thought that we had a chance to better it turns out that we’re so fucked up. I hate it and it makes my heart hurt because I really thought and still think that can be a dynamic force if we can squad up and not remain so fuckin fractured. The sectionalism is pretty fucking crazy and I’m not sure what the solution is.. I truly hope we can find our way soon. It’s a family that’s in need of a lot of healing. Cousins, aunts, sisters, brothers, uncles and all. Good luck to those of us who really want to make this shit better. We’re in the minority and these strong-willed, stubborn women do not seem to be inclined to break the bullshit.

Personally, my life has been an interesting roller coaster. It seems no matter where I meet people, and what age they are, there’s this level of bullshit that exists and I think I’m either overreacting or I really am living ahead of or behind my time. I’ve come across some very interesting people and they all seem to revolve around the same bullshit. Niggas are good at giving the milk and not the cow. During my work trip to Texas, I met Terrence and he seemed like he would’ve been a good match if I lived in Dallas. However, as we continued to talk, I learned more about his personality and his beliefs. I understood that we weren’t really the chemistry connection that was physically on display when we met. Then there was MJ. He is from Detroit and again, early on the chemistry was pretty decent. We had good conversations and seemed to have a lot in common. Then the truth started to show and he came off as very crazy and weird. I think he isn’t used to dealing with someone who brings a realness to the situation that isn’t clouded in control or manipulation.

The ones who came after those two were largely forgettable and mostly on the same amount of bullshit as the rest of them. Good for a few good nuts, maybe an overnight visit or two and not much else. I tried to allow both Malcolm’s to show me how much they’ve grown and/or evolved in the years since I took them seriously. That showed itself to be much of the same shit. A lot of talking, but very little consistency and action. A desire to still think that there is a level of control or stature that they possess, when in reality they don’t. I think they definitely overstated their positions. They are good though for the occasional date and/or fuck. Sounds like a familiar pattern at this point right. There is Billy. I think he’s one that possess the potential to be more, but I also think there is a little fuck nigga sitting inside him that I’m not overly thrilled with. I feel like he needs to too prim and primed to get the best out of him. At the same time, I notice that he has some motion that I find interesting. I think it might be the best thing for me to think about spending more quality time with Billy to see just what he brings to the table.

That brings me to Pharrell. I met him in November, and life really took off quickly after that. We had this whirlwind set of life events happen that seemingly built a bond and foundation that could be the basis for something special. Yes, he is the definition of a YN and maybe that’s where all of this begins. Him being 19 and me being 41. That 22-year gap seems to be a larger impediment to him than to me. And for a lot of reasons, I can completely understand why it would be. very different spaces and times in life of where we are and where we’re going. To me though this is where the story starts to slide very left and the confusion, frustration, and manipulation resides. In so many conversations the theme is “I can’t explain it.” What is it that you can’t really explain. Is that that you’re truly captured by the gap in age and the opinions of the world about us? I know that I’m acutely aware that you look very young and you’re still young age wise. And me, while I don’t look 41, I still am and everyone will look at stare a little. Same time, why the fuck do you care. It didn’t seem to matter to you when we started fuckin. It didn’t seem to matter when you brought me around your family constantly. You could’ve made the choice to go do anything with anyone else. Why did you choose to stick around me?

There are signs and glimmers that he has a little more comfort with me. There is also signs and more motion that shows he’s found or is finding others that are closer to his age and probably relate more to him than I do. He is consistent in his belief that for now single and fun is the way to go for him. He references having some kind of trust issues and that’s not something that I can fix. That takes him dealing with those issues and also being willing to admit that everyone is not alike. No matter what anyone says, you can’t move to the next if you haven’t left the past alone. Having exes around isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, as long as there is a respect and a level drawn.

There is a lot of similarities between him at this age and me at the same age. I also see so many differences between us and that’s also normal and expected. There are different influences and life situations present between us, so it brings a different set of beliefs and values. One thing I’m very attentive to though, is the time we spend. While I’m okay with not rushing or forcing anything, I’m also not willing to be your play toy. Maybe I should really just be his friend. Much like I’ve done with Jaden. We’ve established a bond that does go beyond just the sex or the relationship. Honestly speaking though, part if it is tied to the fact I would want to be with him. For me that’s where I really have to do my own soul searching. Why am I so willing to be patient and wait for a young ass man who has a lot of life experience growth to have? What is it about him and this time of life that makes me want to be patient for him? Is it the right thing to do? The better question for me is, if I decide not to be patient. what’s the impact to our dynamic? The truth is a major one.

No matter what anyone tries to say, when you decide to put your time and interest in a person it sends and receives a different energy than when you casually fuck with someone. In a casual space, you’re more than welcome to be around and you’re more than welcome to share my space. However, you don’t get as much access or for nearly as long. I’m not in the let’s have shared fun mindset. I do that shit as a single man, on my own terms and my own way. Most of the niggas I wind up fucking around with aren’t the group fuck type either. They enjoy spending the time, having fun, quick fuck or enjoyable hours. Whatever we decide it’s ours to decide and not impeded upon. What that means for you is definitely less time here. I’m not going to suppress that just because you want your space from the place you currently reside. I can feel a shift in the energy just a little and I think that while I’m going to be a little sad to not share as much time and space with him, it will be for the best. I can clearly feel and tell there is a reluctance to fully embrace the dynamic that we’ve spent time building. I’m not sure how much longer continuing to hear I can’t explain it is going to work.

I do honor and realize that someone being so much older and younger than the other presents its own set of complications that maybe need more time to be addressed. The truth about that is I don’t plan to sit around and give you all this time to figure it out. You will need to do it and hope that when life circles back around, that the timing is right and I have the desire to circle back to finish the story. This is the price of what happens when someone decides they want to play the field right. You want to have the freedom to do whatever you, when you want and that’s your right. However, the trade-off is that you risk losing the depth of the relationship that you’re building. There is a level of focus that gets removed from you because you decide to live the life of discovery. And listen, I applaud the desire to have the freedom and independence of learning yourself and what you like. We all need that time and energy to do it the way that we see fit. What you don’t have is a monopoly or right to have someone waiting on or for you. If I choose to give time for the development, then that’s on me.. Once I decide to move around, that’s when the end starts to come.

Now the question of timing is what I’m trying to decide. When do I say enough is enough? When do I want to say that I can’t deal with the excuse of I can’t explain it anymore? Someone who sits and wants to control the narrative so they can ensure they have the transportation they need, which is what this seems to be, will only last for so long. How does this end? I’m not really sure just yet. I do feel like the month of April will be a very pivotal month. That’s where all the actions will come from. Birthday’s, trips, concert. It seems the instant bond and romance that began a few months ago is slowly starting to unwind itself. When will the chapter close, I’m not sure yet. I do think that’s gonna happen soon. I think and feel like there is a new situation developing and I must accept that my role is going to change. It’s not gonna be as exclusive or as enjoyable. I know what I know that’s the hard part. The lies on who you let fuck and what it takes. The lies on the pause on sex, when I find condoms in your pants when washing your clothes. There is enough out there to say that what you’ve been giving isn’t quite the full truth.

I want to know why should I keep allowing myself to focus on you? If I ask you, I know you’re gonna tell me that I shouldn’t and you’re definitely prioritizing the have fun and be free parts of life right now. I understand and respect your decision because it’s always been yours to make. At the same time, I can’t say that I’m disappointed. It’s really crazy that I have these thoughts and feelings about someone who is so much younger than me. I think that part of it comes from truly falling for someone just because of who they are. I didn’t care what you had and what you don’t have. I didn’t care about any of the semantics that make up the ignorant shit that people use for not associating with people. I really was just focused on the person. Who you are and what you bring to the situation. The thing that I’m trying to figure out with you is why are you so hesitant to allow yourself to get caught up in the energy that’s created. Let’s tell the truth about the situation too.. We chose to give the energy to each other, and then you decided that you couldn’t. I truthfully would like to understand why. We’ve had a few conversations and there is never a moment where you give me an answer of understanding.

Do we have to keep having these awkward days, nights and moments? The ability to talk to others with energy and life and clarity. But when we do talk, there is an inconsistency that shows itself and I can’t really understand it. Maybe I truly have come to the point and place where I’m not being chosen again. 10 years ago this happened. And the craziest shit is it happened with another Aries. My kryptonite again it seems. My sign is the best and the worst. We can make great magic and we can also create great fire and disharmony. As this story continues its journey, I can only hope that the way it began with peace and joy is the same way the transition happens. With peace and joy. It’s not going to be the easiest or most enjoyable part of this story, it is though going to be necessary. I think he’s doing the job of pushing me away from him on his own. There is and will be other niggas that get his attention. There is and will be others who look better, have more, and will do more with him on a level that he connects with better than you. Take it for what it is. Enjoy it for what it is and allow the journey of life to take its course. You’re known and talked about. You’ve been discussed probably more than you know. You also know that you are not the prize or the choice this time. You are part of the story that you need to find your place for you in.